Monday, September 27, 2010

The "One Drink and You're Mine" Frog

So, I'm out with some friends making my way through a crowded bar when a man turns around and tells me that I'm beautiful and wants to know if he can buy me a drink. Besides the Air Force ballcap, he had me at "beautiful". So I sit and order a drink expecting some interesting conversation to ensue.

Quite the opposite! Before I even get a chance to take a sip, he's got his hand on my thigh and heading northeast rather quickly.

"I'd rather you didn't," I say nice enough.

"I see you looking at that guy over there. If you want to be with him, just say so."

"Um...yea, he's in the group I came with. As far as being with, just looking over at him." And at that time I mouth "H.E.L.P" to my group. Soon enough the guy in question comes to my rescue and I say "I'll be right over."

The drink-buying frog has the nerve to start in on some nonsense diatribe about me having the audacity to accept a drink from him and not go home with him.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!! I DO NOT go home with men I meet at bars! Especially on THE night I meet them there." And by this point, I've noticed that he's got a bum leg with a boot on it and put two and two together that he's drunk as a squirrel that just stole a Boone's Farm from a 7-11 dumpster!

And from there, I casually stroll back to my group thankful that they understand when the bartender comes over and says "that'll be $8.50". He refused to pay for my drink since I left. Great! Fine! Nicely done, guy! I paid for MY drink and expected for the rest of my evening to be A-OK. Not 5 minutes later, he comes over and touches me again to say that he's leaving.

One of the guys in the group steps in and says "Bye! Not only have you touched her twice without her permission, but you refused the drink that you offered to buy her. She's not interested. Get going."

I kissed him right there in front of bum-legged, drink-refusing, guy!

Friday, September 3, 2010

No frog title

Haven't much been in the mood to cry about men lately. I lost my job on the 19th of August and I've been frantically searching for one ever since.

Now, I have answered the occasional email and IM from some froggies. It was down to two these last few weeks. Let me elaborate for you.

One is not speaking to me now, he says, because he is having drama with his thanks, yea you handle that by yourself. I did ask if she was an ex-wife, to which he responded "no". There are no kids involved...well, except that she's having another man's baby. YOWZA! I'd say that's drama. Still, guys have no problem turning off the phone or IM any other time. Why is it that guys like the crazies?

Have you ever noticed the stunning, crazy ones are the ones the guys go head over heels for? Then, they are left hurting or end up crazy for the rest of us to put up with! Now, that doesn't seem fair.

Well, the other guy is a really nice froggie. I like him. He is just down in Killeen so we have visited a few times.

In fact, after dinner with Jamie the other night, I got an impulsive idea to drive down and see him since I didn't have an interview until the late afternoon. He accepted the offer, even though he did think it was quite impulsive and little crazy (see what I mean). But, by the time I got there, he was asleep and since my GPS decided to park me in the middle of a street and say "you have arrived at your destination", I couldn't find his place and he wasn't answering. I went to the gas station, tried to get some better directions, but noone really knew where it might be because it was one of those streets that changes names and weaves throughout the state of TX it seems, like Beltline here in Dallas. So, after spending an hour searching and no return call back, I purchased a sugar-free redbull, Dr. Pepper, and bottle of water and made my way back home. I did enjoy watching the storm both coming to Kileen and back to Dallas. It was far enough away both times that I could see the lightning light up the skies and outline the clouds that filled the broad Texas sky. I was happy to be out of town and away from the stress of things that I knew would be right there waiting on me when I returned. Impulsive, yes. A bit crazy, some would say. Worth it, you betcha!

Back to the frog...when he woke up, realized I wasn't there, and then saw all of the missed calls and texts he returned them and asked what happened. He was genuinely sorry and headed up here to spend the night with me.

But today, I'm left feeling empty. I feel like I've forgotten something. I know that I went to all my interviews. I even job hunted and returned calls instead of napping earlier. I think it's that I'm still not being true to who I am and what I need. Sure, we had a great time and he is a great guy! Neither of us have done anything wrong. That is the only thing I keep thinking of. I want to have that certification that I'm not just a plaything or weekend fling. I don't know how or when that comes, maybe I'm doing the right thing and should just hold on. Maybe it's the twinge of unemployment (which the former firm is disputing now...ugh) AND my ever-present Murphy's law of a dating life causing uneasiness.

I feel like I do better with the long distance relationship, especially military. I tend to chill and freak out less. Backwards, huh?

I am so afraid of shutting doors, that I don't stand up for what I want though. That's the real case here! I want to be married! Now, I'm not running around screaming this to every guy I meet or even mentioning it. It is, however, MY purpose in dating. Other people, including me at other times, have dated for the social aspect or the companionship. It's too soon for me to DTR (define the relationship) with Killeen frog, so I don't want to even think about having that convo. I do want to feel better after having a good visit rather than not though.

Am I just a hormonal, unemployed hot mess right now? Do I have a valid concern AND still have so much going on that it's bringing me to my breaking point? Or is it simply the guilt from the visits that I'm dealing with?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

frogs online


Here is my reply:

"Well, thanks for writing. Most of all, thank you for your service!

I sure am a healthy girl and you better believe I'm exciting. I'm a real girl. I have feelings, a personality, am loyal, patriotic, dependable, hard-working, fun, sexy, and cute. Sure, I have a few extra pounds on me. I am not, however, disgusting because of that!

You should stick to your preferences! See how far that skinny, young thing will get you. Will she cheat while you're gone? Will she put up with your shit? Will she be faithful and supportive? Will she ever get fat? These are all problems YOU get to deal with!! Maybe just don't write someone that you're not attracted to or can't see yourself with? Maybe just go to a bar and get laid or hit up some skinny thing on here? You probably have several faults and setbacks of your own, right?

Keep on being a disrespectful dick! Best of luck with that!

Until then, stay the FUCK away from me and my page, asshole!"


And then I blocked the jackhole so I didn't have to hear from him again. I had the WORST day at work and the last thing I needed was some stranger mentioning my weight. AND, for the record...I am NOT big boned! I have BIG breasts! The rest of me is overweight. I am aware of that, but my bones are just the right size. And what business does he have with my size? They say Marilyn Monroe (love her) was a 14. I'm currently a 14. I believe I am still beautiful and would make the best girlfriend and wife for one lucky man!!! Until then, I'd like to meet the Momma's of some of these unlucky men. I'd like to sit down with the Momma's and let them see what their boys are up to. I hope they would spank the living daylights out of these boys and teach them how to be gentlemen. If you don't like my type, fine! Move on! Find one you do like! I'm sure there are plenty! Have at it, AJ/Al...whatever your name is. And take all your froggie, disrespectful buddies with you!

That's all!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

ambient music frog

I once came across this guy who hated our military (big NO-NO) and had his home wired with TONS of speakers wired throughout his home.

He had trouble sleeping, so he would play this LOUD ambient music at night to fall and stay asleep. Not only was it the beach, but it was gongs, frogs, crickets, chinese violins, pianoes...the works!

How annoying is that?

Sunday, August 8, 2010

sexuality is not one of the 29 dimensions of compatability

I'm matched up with this guy on eH and we hit it off. We met up once for some appetizers and talk. He stood me up for the second date.

About a week ago, I got a call from him. He dishes that he had a guy over and had a little "experience" with him. In his words, he's "looking forward to doing it again."

Suprisingly, it wasn't hurtful to my ego or a disappointment to me. I had the feeling that he wasn't interested in my type (female). In fact, a friend of his and I met up and she bet me that I could get him to turn gay. I have, in fact, had guys turn gay after me. No kisses, no sleeping together, no relationship...they just figure it out. I'm the Gay Whisperer! All of a sudden it becomes so clear that I am not their type.

In a way, that is a relief. I'm not wasting my time with someone who will turn later on. Thankfully, I do have my gaydar finely tuned for just this purpose. In another way, it must be a good thing that I make people feel so comfortable that they can be themselves.

In any case, it's interesting that however I filled out my eH questionnaire gets me software developers, psycho stalkers, and now a gay guy. Same sexuality must not be one of the 29 dimensions. What are the 29 dimensions of compatability anyway? I'd really like to know.

At least I've got another shoe shopping buddy! Better luck for me next time...I hope!

a desperate toad

This is a new development! A man I came in contact with on a military dating site Friday night, showed his toady, desperate underbelly last night.

I was at a concert...with a date from eH. Hey, I'm working the system and not "involved" with anyone, so I can date several people, right? Right! Plus, since when did IM'ing become dating? Anyhow, so I sign in to my yahoo after the concert only to be greeted by 4 messages left while I wasn't signed in. They got equally more aggravated.

1. "Hi, how are you?"
2. "Where are you?"
3. "I didn't think you'd ignore me."
4. "I'm sorry I was such a disappointment."

Whoa, begonia!

First thought, desperation! Second thought, a bit of a controller and jealous-type person. Now, we know why he's single!

I politely respond that I was at a concert and wasn't signed in.

"Oh. I want you to open your heart to me and tell me what you think."

"Of what?"

"Me and this."

"I don't know you. We've had a few IM's and shared some things, but I don't know enough to form an opinion."

"I feel differently. We are in different places, so I'm afraid this won't work."

"Oh, so you're saying you're in love and since I'm not it's over?" EEEE EEEE EEEEEE

"Yes, exactly. Sometimes you just know."

"Well, I am not the kind of person that can make that kind of kind of decision this early."

What the what? What kind of person has a few IM's with you and is practically in love with you? We didn't share anyting particularly personal. I can't and won't be involved with a person that expects me to stay signed on IM 24/7, fall in love at first keystroke, and that has such a strong desire to portray a heaping dose of self-loathing and guilt towards that person.

Friday, August 6, 2010

twin frogs

eH linked me up with a certain frog and we hit it off, meeting for the first time for coffee. We sat and talked for about two hours there on the patio. Once that was over, he asked to see me for a movie that Saturday and I agreed.

Saturday came and he calls to say that his twin brother is coming along to eat and see the movie with us. Ok, cool. The more the merrier! What could happen with twins in a movie theater? Shhh...don't answer that!

I head to the mall and meet the guys at the food court. I have to admit that the brother was cuter than the original twin I was matched with ;). We all eat dinner together and to my suprise, the brother is asking more questions about me than the original twin. I think, well, he's just testing what his brother has already told him.

At the theater, I sit in between the two of them! I guess I should take the time to describe them so that you get the full effect. Both 6'4", brown wavy hair, blue eyes, nice frames, gorgeous arms, raspy voices, funny, and they don't look exactly alike...I could definitely tell them apart. Ok, so I'm sitting in between the two feeling like a real pimp. I rested both my hands on each leg waiting to see if one would grab my hand. And I waited and waited. The original twin sat with his arms folded while the brother was sitting pretty comfortably, legs out and open, arms rested at his sides. It was tough to pay attention to the movie! Am I a bad person for liking his brother more? His body language is saying "no way I'm into her". He can't be THAT cold! I'm a chick in a short sleeve T and I freeze in theaters...except for this time when I'm blushing head to toe wondering if I'm the object of two brother's affection.

After the movie, the original twin walked me out and hugged me. Said he would call the next day (blowoff). Hmmm...ok, "can your brother call tomorrow", I thought.

A couple weeks go by not hearing a word. Did I fail the twin test? Just then, the phone rings! It's a text from an unknown number asking how I liked the movie. It was the movie we had all seen together. So I ask who it is. I get back the name of the brother of my match. Then, a phone call comes in! It's him! He's asking me to come out with the original brother and watch UFC for the evening. I'm in!!!

I throw on my new spagetti strap dress, braid my bangs back, throw on some perfume, and of course some rocking shoes!! I meet the twins out and watch UFC. Again, twin brother is sitting closer and talking to me more and more, making sure that I'm comfortable and have anything I want. The original twin's zoned out. Got it! He's just not that into me. But what's the deal with the brother hitting on me so blatantly? Is this their game? Am I still being tested? The twin who likes me sure is cute!

After the fight, the cute twin asks me to stay and hang out with him a little longer. The original twin jets, but gives me a hug and is very nice leaving. I got out of twin frog that the original twin frog was seeing a bunch of people and was interested in a few of them more than me. Cool! No harm, no foul.

For a couple of weeks, twin frog and I hang out quite frequently and get along great! One Saturday night, I invited him to come over and stay so that we could go to church early in the morning. I had two rules for my place which I made VERY clear to him: 1- he is not to go into my refrigerator. I had not cleaned it out and it was stacked with leftovers and general nastiness. 2-he was not to go into my laundry room because that is where I kept my overflowing trash. Don't judge! I'm a single girl living on the third floor and I HATE, HATE taking out the trash!

Anyhow, he's up early Sunday and says that he's going to get coffee and breakfast for us. We eat and get ready for church. While I'm in the bathroom getting ready, he comes in and suddenly has to leave and go home. Says that he needs to check on his dog and will meet me at church. No biggie, I understand.

Well, parking at church is a mess that day! I have to park across the street, probably half a mile (no lie)! I'm wearing my brand new peep-toe, strappy, nude patent leather shoes that I just got. I named them my "congratulations on your new job shoes"...yes, my shoes my names judgment! I am none to happy by the time I get into church! It's 95 and I am already sweaty and blistered from the half mile walk in my new shoes! He texts that he's already in a pew. WHAT? How am I supposed to find you in a congregation of over 3000 people? FINE! What row? What are you wearing? He's in a back row wearing a blue shirt and black pants. Guess what day it is at Stonebriar church? Blue shirt and black pants day!! So, I'm standing there scanning the crowd looking for a wave or a friendly smile. The ushers are hurrying me along and probably are praying for my soul since I look so upset and in pain from the shoes!

Ah, there he is! Excuse me, Excuse me! I sit down next to him and pat him on his leg whispering, "it's hot out there". Not a look over or a response. Ok, fine, don't talk in church! The remainder of the service goes on this way. As we're leaving, I decide that I'll walk as quickly as possible and if the frog can't keep up with my blistered stiletto-wearing legs, he is a le-who-se-her! He manages to keep up, probably because I couldn't walk any faster than a snail on a skateboard and he explains that he's tired (wah) and wants to spend the day alone. Ok, fine! Go be alone and sleep!

I make the trek back across the street wanting to remove these shoes and cry on the way back to my car. I manage to make it back without doing either until I sit down and he drives by and waves. WTH? You were still here and didn't offer to give me a ride? I'm no princess-type, but that's no way to treat this lady!! I was P-I-S-S-E-D. I had a paper to write that day, but instead I decided to head out to my parents. I could cry on the way and then chill without having to be alone.

About halfway through the trip and 3 sessions of "Nothing Compares" by Sinead O'Connor, twin frog is calling. I try and will myself "NO answering. He's tired (wah)". But my inner evil twin answered. Of course nothing good came of the convo. He explains that he was tired (again...rerun) and wants to know if anything is wrong. Like any woman with a grudge, I reply "no, I'm fine".

Monday comes and it's my first day at my new job! Nothing from Mr. Frog. Interesting! Not how I'd act if my new interest was starting a job. That night, he texts "we need to talk about your refrigerator" out of the blue. In shock because I'm in the middle of writing a paper about Management, I reply "You looked in my fridge when I specifically told you not to? What else did you get into?"

We go back and forth and he's trying to turn it around on me that I'm "assuming" that he looked in there. Finally, I say "there's nothing wrong with my refrigerator magnets. We wouldn't be discussing those. I can't trust someone that can't respect me or my boundaries, rules, or privacy."

What's the most ridiculous response you can think of? See if this compares..."How can I help. Do you have a problem with hoarding or depression?" Yes, that's right! The frog thought since he snooped and saw some stuff that I had a problem. I guess he expected me to just fall into his arms begging for help. Instead, I said that it was nice knowing him but that I was over it and not to call me anymore.

I wish that was the end of that frog story! Instead, I gave another chance. I often do, but this time I was hesitant. For good reason, but I listened to others who thought "everyone deserves a second chance." A saying that I knew from experience wasn't true. Some people just don't!!! So, here's my second chance, meeting him for dinner and a massage from him. He was a massage therapist! I wasn't just gonna' get some frog action from him people!

Well, that day comes and goes without hearing from him. I send a few question marks via text and I get a return text that says "Question marks are childish! If you want to talk to me, you can call."

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You asked me out! You were begging ME for a second chance! I should call you? Oh no, no! No sir! He calls a little while later and gets on my case about not coming over. Hold up, frogs-a-lot! You asked me out and then ditched me! When, exactly, was I supposed to assume that that meant come on over? I gave in and went over. That would be my last straw, my last hoorah and I would know for sure!

When I pick up my phone in front of him, the most logical explanation (for him) is that I am seeing another guy. He proceeds to accuse me of seeing other men and states his reasoning. Pretty good reasons, but I can't say that they're true! Most importantly, THERE'S NO WE! We aren't together!

As he's sitting watching the movie, I quietly get up, get my purse and leave. I didn't say goodbye. I didn't hug him. I didn't throw the bird up even. I was out! No tears, no looking back. As I like to say lately, you can't fix crazy! Apparently, leaving in that fashion wasn't clear enough for him and he continued to text and call for up to a week later until he finally "got the hint" and texted that he'd "leave me alone." I wanted to respond SO BADLY, "thank you" but I withheld my joy.

I learned afterward that a friend of my mother's was married to a twin when I was younger. She said that she would never date or marry a twin again! They have a connection to each other like nothing else. I can understand that! They share a uterus, or at least a womb together and then grow up their whole lives possibly being dressed alike and doing things together all the time.

These twins still lived together in a house their parents bought for them. They drove matching Toyota Priuses. Apparently shared eH dates. I hope they shared their anti-depressants or anti-psychotics, too!

Good riddance twin froggies!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

ribbit ribbit

In January, I joined eHarmony to see if I could meet a few good men. I had joined eH once before and had a 6 month relationship out of it. I don't get the opportunity to meet many quality men out in my "normal" life....or at least I don't think I do.

One of the first guys I met on this round of eH was great on paper! 33, owned his home, real estate investor, classic car guy, tennis player, 6 pack, curly brown hair, and we had great chemistry by email. In person and throughout dating him for about 2 months, I learned that he was single because he was vain, selfish, and obsessive. He would make comments about my weight and whether I'd worked out that day. Always dropping hints on how to cut or burn calories and yet he'd eat a whole box of Milk Duds watching a movie. He'd make comments like "everyone in my family has had plastic surgery", "I have these 6 pack abs so that I can attract someone who looks as good as me," and "my sister was on the cover of D magazine. She's beautiful." Oh good! Marry your sister!! He played the cafe game on facebook and would literally wake up and go to sleep playing the game. He had a SPREADSHEET made up to track the food items and how much they would net him!! EEE EEE EEE NEXT, please!!!

A guy I never even met, only emailed through the eH system (not my personal email) invited me over one rainy Friday night. Mind you, we haven't met, haven't spoken on the phone, I don't know this guy from Adam. In fact, I bet I know Adam more than him. He uses this line...get ready y'all, it's a classic: "Why don't you come over and watch 'The Notebook' with me?" What kind of self-respecting straight man invites a girl over for a first meeting 1. to his place alone 2. to watch 'The Notebook'? He must've thought I would bite at the opportunity and fall in love with him like I had Ryan Gosling. Wrongo Mr.! I love my internal organs and I am not going to some strangers home to watch a movie I happen to own myself.

Another example of online craziness is a guy I met up with twice. Now remember how many times...within the span of a few weeks. The second time I met up with the guy, he tells me that he is not in the habit of dating people that are overweight. Hmm, ok, interesting! I was overweight when we went out the first time! I was overweight online, but I take cute pics. And he was no David! He had a potbelly and had lost the majority of his hair (at 29) which he stealthily tried to deceive people by shaving it off. Sorry, fella, everyone knows that trick now. This overweight girl is over you!!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Multitudes of Frogs

I've been inspired, recently, by friends and family to begin journalling my experiences. I am hoping to document many of my favorite as well as a few of my not so favorite stories regarding my love life.

I should start by saying that when I was a little girl, long before I developed an interest in the opposite sex, my Papa (Maternal Grandfather) used to greet me and ask "how's your love life?" Most of the time I would cringe and giggle saying "Papa, yuk! I don't have a love life!" As I made it through my teen years, sometimes the answer would be "I have a crush on this boy" and he would ask me to tell him about it. He would always ask if the boy felt the same and if he did, it would be "true love". What I wouldn't give to have him ask me that after a date, after a lonely Friday night, or when I feel like bragging about a guy!

I'm the kind of girl that sees a Silver Lining in most every situation. It might not happen instantly, but I usually do see it and pay excellent attention, reminding myself that things could always be worse and "this too shall pass."

My friends and family have eagerly waited after dates, weekends, etc. to hear me tell a story. Some of these stories are of urban legend worthiness, others are downright unbelievable. Most are just a good laugh and remind me to be thankful for that special someone when he comes along.

Names and places may have been changed to protect the innocent. I hold the right to embellish for creative emphasis, but most of the time...I won't have to!

Thank you frogs, friends, and family for inspiring me to leap to new pads!
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