Thursday, August 5, 2010

ribbit ribbit

In January, I joined eHarmony to see if I could meet a few good men. I had joined eH once before and had a 6 month relationship out of it. I don't get the opportunity to meet many quality men out in my "normal" life....or at least I don't think I do.

One of the first guys I met on this round of eH was great on paper! 33, owned his home, real estate investor, classic car guy, tennis player, 6 pack, curly brown hair, and we had great chemistry by email. In person and throughout dating him for about 2 months, I learned that he was single because he was vain, selfish, and obsessive. He would make comments about my weight and whether I'd worked out that day. Always dropping hints on how to cut or burn calories and yet he'd eat a whole box of Milk Duds watching a movie. He'd make comments like "everyone in my family has had plastic surgery", "I have these 6 pack abs so that I can attract someone who looks as good as me," and "my sister was on the cover of D magazine. She's beautiful." Oh good! Marry your sister!! He played the cafe game on facebook and would literally wake up and go to sleep playing the game. He had a SPREADSHEET made up to track the food items and how much they would net him!! EEE EEE EEE NEXT, please!!!

A guy I never even met, only emailed through the eH system (not my personal email) invited me over one rainy Friday night. Mind you, we haven't met, haven't spoken on the phone, I don't know this guy from Adam. In fact, I bet I know Adam more than him. He uses this line...get ready y'all, it's a classic: "Why don't you come over and watch 'The Notebook' with me?" What kind of self-respecting straight man invites a girl over for a first meeting 1. to his place alone 2. to watch 'The Notebook'? He must've thought I would bite at the opportunity and fall in love with him like I had Ryan Gosling. Wrongo Mr.! I love my internal organs and I am not going to some strangers home to watch a movie I happen to own myself.

Another example of online craziness is a guy I met up with twice. Now remember how many times...within the span of a few weeks. The second time I met up with the guy, he tells me that he is not in the habit of dating people that are overweight. Hmm, ok, interesting! I was overweight when we went out the first time! I was overweight online, but I take cute pics. And he was no David! He had a potbelly and had lost the majority of his hair (at 29) which he stealthily tried to deceive people by shaving it off. Sorry, fella, everyone knows that trick now. This overweight girl is over you!!


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